Cherry
(Portable Press at Yo-Yo Labs, 2008)

Accessories
To be read while listening to Cyndi Lauper and Puffy AmiYumi sing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

“When the shots ring out, dash for the biggest guns and hug them.” — Linh Dinh

Shiny pink HK (Hello Kitty) AK-47. Hot pink paint job. Comes with hand-crocheted shoulder-stock muffler, so as not to blister our soft little hands, and so as not to bruise our tiny, tender bodies. Can we say what a bummer it is to fuck up a perfectly good, pink glittery manicure? “Standard issue in any young girl’s arsenal,” makes us think, well shit, if every girl accessorized with this, there would be less date rape and gang rape in the world. We have decided we would be the perfect spokesmodels for the HK-AK-47. We’re Asian, we’re girls, we’re kind of cute, and in the tradition of the mouthless Hello Kitty, we don’t even have to speak. Moreover, for twelve years, we dressed ourselves in Catholic school girl uniforms. Your eyes want to see the words, “shiny pink kitty,” “hot pink hand job,” and “come with hand crotch muffin.”

Hello Kitty vibrator (ハローキティ バイブレータ). In case you had a choice between this pleasing strawberry scented accessory, and the tentacle monster, don’t tell us you would choose the tentacle monster, Gojira’s horny cousin; you don’t know where that thing’s been. We wonder how many other Catholic school uniform girls’ cherries it’s popped, who else in its Pacific Rim turf it’s slid its erect tendrils into. Remember, we prefer our penetration un-bestial and STD-free. A disease and pregnancy preventative, this sleek product promotes chastity, of which parents of adolescents ought to approve. If during secondary school, for example, you could have a choice between this and the zitty-faced white boy who is in your AP history class, and who is developing an Asian fetish the more honors and AP classes he takes, you would choose this. No interracial drama, just batteries.

White cotton Christian Soldier thong with AK-47 logo. Ultra low rise, girl size XS. For the ass man in your military — What? You don’t know of any ass men in your military? Liar. — it’s naughty and ass-tastic, much like its Hello Kitty (or Hello Pussy) equivalent, while still evoking a white-cotton-panties, cherry-popping enticement. AK-47, we didn’t know (because we’re girls), is short for Автомат Калашникова образца 1947 года, Avtomat Kalashnikova 1947. Let that roll off your fat wet tongue, and isn’t that, in and of itself, just Cold War hot.

–

Corpse Eater

I am the heart of greed darkening rotten western values. I am the blade cutting English into tongues.

I am the multitudes manufacturing whiteness. I emerge from industry, an American, a white man.

I am the ethnic slur, the name meaning “fat taker.” In the footsteps of our Mr. Kurtz, I emerge.

Any white man could do, and frequently did, as I did, with impunity. I bear my burden, I cleanse the impure.

I rule because I am elevated by many, many steps above. I spin erotic tales of exploits “Far East,” where I am the myth many locals have never seen before.

I declare war, as unprincipled profiteers exhume the newly deceased, and eat their ethnic corpses.

–

To order your copy of Cherry, go to the Portable Press at Yo-Yo Labs website.